Sunday, February 8, 2015

Muv learns to drive in Germany

Well you mightn't know this but long before I was born my humans lived in a country called Germanee.

This is a Germany. I cant see if it is like my beach or lagoon and I think it is further than my holiday place in the kennel on wheels.
And they lived in a house in Hasloh and the house had four levels and they all fell down the steps on a regular basis as they didn't have steps in their house in Australia and were not used to them.

 And they went to school in a place called Hamburg. This is the Rathaus .  No no its not a house full of rats like our Parliament house its a Town Hall and its about the prettiest building in Hamburg because Hamburg had the shit bombed out of it in a war ages ago.

And this is the school that the kids went to and where Pater taught maths.

Muv didnt have a job she was a hausefrau.

They had a little car with the driving bits on the wrong side because they drive on the otherside of the road in Germany.

This is Muvs story of learning to drive. there are no pictures so you will have to use your imgination. This was written by Muv in the third person .  The dairy is the place they used to go where they would get milk and stuff.  It was full of cows  and it smelled awful.

Dear Victims,

I think I need a job. See what happens when one has time. I start German lesson in September. I start to help at school soon. I start to explore junk shops this week.
I have started baking bread and bikkies. But I am happy and so are the kids. And Luke.

Love LEE

Lees first and only drive in Germany so far.
A terrorizing experience for Germany

“Don’t Mum its too much too soon!”

“Kids, life is a series of challenges to be met and I’m going to meet this one head on. Well not literally”.

“The cars not insured yet.” Said Luke

“But Mum are you sure?”

“Kids, I have to practice what I PREACH”

“The cars not insured yet.” Said Luke

“Mum can you really do it?”

“Well I think I will because I will give it my best.”

“The cars not insured yet.” Said Luke

“I will rise to the challenge and go forward (and maybe backward if need be).”

“You’re a ledge Mum!”

“ No kids just a humble driver (about to drive on the other side of the road with no insurance): See kids how can I expect you to risk if I don’t risk myself.”

“And the car isn’t insured yet!”

“I have to set an example.”

How about the example of responsibility. The cars not insured yet.” He whispered through clenched teeth.

“Details, details, details! Never let those little things get in the way of the big picture, the big goal!”

“I give up”. Luke threw his arms in the air as he looked to heaven. No miracles there.

“Well I wont.”

“ Can we come Mum so we can see the airbags work?”

“No kids this is a solo job.”

And so was the start of Lee’s first drive.
Armed with the keys, a crash helmet and a sweatband around her head Lee, stepped out of the door nervous but excited of the challenge that lay ahead. Her philosophy of life “ like a postman’s leg and I am the bull terrier that won’t let go” geared her for the task.

“Its not the wrong side of the road, it’s the other side of the road.” she kept reminding herself. It’s all about creating new neural pathways.
She felt like Maria about to meet the Von Trapp kids and she sung the song, much to the agony of the neighbours.
“ I have confidence”. Well she only sang the first line, as it isn’t that far from the house to the car park.

She opened the door and jumped in confidently.
“Shit!” she muttered
She jumped out.
“Glad Luke didn’t see that.”
She was on the wrong side of the car.
She jumped in the other side.

“Whew don’t know what I would’ve done if the steering well hadn’t of been here either.” she thought with relief.

Keys in the ignition.
Gear in Park.
Engines on.
Couldn’t hear a thing.
“Oh, forgot newer car, quieter engine.”

Put it in reverse.
Looked over wrong shoulder.
Looked over other shoulder and went backwards.
The car came too. Success!

To the end of the driveway.
Three meters. So far so good.
Left turn. Like Australian right turn.
Either way Lee and the steering wheel were suppose to be in the middle of the street.
And lift off.

“Have to turn left” she thought.
Put blinker on.
Turn off windscreen wiper.
Try blinker this time.

Drive 200 meters to dairy.
Only passed one parked car.
No casualties.
Pull into drive way.
Stop. get out.
Hoorah! .

Get out of car.
Hold breath.
Try not to smell cow poo and wee.
Eyes watering. Breathe out.
Try to breathe in without smelling the air.
Almost choke in process.
Run to Dairy shop.

Smile at the farmers Mrs.
Say “Guten Tag”
Give smile and try not to breathe.
Give up holding breath before passing out.
Fill up bottles from bucket.
Go back to car.

Jump in car.
Jump out.
Wrong side.
Jump in other side.
Feeling confident.

Engine on.
Thunderbirds are go.
Miss the farmers wife.
Wrong shoulder.

Windscreen wipers on.
Windscreen wipers off.
Blinkers on.
Right turn.

A car approaching.
Don’t panic, don’t panic.
Pull over side of road.

Breathe deep.
Still too close to the dairy.

Blinker on.
Windscreen wiper off.
Blinker on,.
Speed 20km hour until home.
Arrive home safe and with clean windscreen.
Milk intact.
Hop out.
Strut in

“How was it”

“ Breeze”

“ Good onya Mum”

“The car still isn’t insured.”

“I know. I´ll leave the next drive ´till it is.”