Sunday, February 8, 2015

Muv learns to drive in Germany

Well you mightn't know this but long before I was born my humans lived in a country called Germanee.

This is a Germany. I cant see if it is like my beach or lagoon and I think it is further than my holiday place in the kennel on wheels.
And they lived in a house in Hasloh and the house had four levels and they all fell down the steps on a regular basis as they didn't have steps in their house in Australia and were not used to them.

 And they went to school in a place called Hamburg. This is the Rathaus .  No no its not a house full of rats like our Parliament house its a Town Hall and its about the prettiest building in Hamburg because Hamburg had the shit bombed out of it in a war ages ago.

And this is the school that the kids went to and where Pater taught maths.

Muv didnt have a job she was a hausefrau.

They had a little car with the driving bits on the wrong side because they drive on the otherside of the road in Germany.

This is Muvs story of learning to drive. there are no pictures so you will have to use your imgination. This was written by Muv in the third person .  The dairy is the place they used to go where they would get milk and stuff.  It was full of cows  and it smelled awful.

Dear Victims,

I think I need a job. See what happens when one has time. I start German lesson in September. I start to help at school soon. I start to explore junk shops this week.
I have started baking bread and bikkies. But I am happy and so are the kids. And Luke.

Love LEE

Lees first and only drive in Germany so far.
A terrorizing experience for Germany

“Don’t Mum its too much too soon!”

“Kids, life is a series of challenges to be met and I’m going to meet this one head on. Well not literally”.

“The cars not insured yet.” Said Luke

“But Mum are you sure?”

“Kids, I have to practice what I PREACH”

“The cars not insured yet.” Said Luke

“Mum can you really do it?”

“Well I think I will because I will give it my best.”

“The cars not insured yet.” Said Luke

“I will rise to the challenge and go forward (and maybe backward if need be).”

“You’re a ledge Mum!”

“ No kids just a humble driver (about to drive on the other side of the road with no insurance): See kids how can I expect you to risk if I don’t risk myself.”

“And the car isn’t insured yet!”

“I have to set an example.”

How about the example of responsibility. The cars not insured yet.” He whispered through clenched teeth.

“Details, details, details! Never let those little things get in the way of the big picture, the big goal!”

“I give up”. Luke threw his arms in the air as he looked to heaven. No miracles there.

“Well I wont.”

“ Can we come Mum so we can see the airbags work?”

“No kids this is a solo job.”

And so was the start of Lee’s first drive.
Armed with the keys, a crash helmet and a sweatband around her head Lee, stepped out of the door nervous but excited of the challenge that lay ahead. Her philosophy of life “ like a postman’s leg and I am the bull terrier that won’t let go” geared her for the task.

“Its not the wrong side of the road, it’s the other side of the road.” she kept reminding herself. It’s all about creating new neural pathways.
She felt like Maria about to meet the Von Trapp kids and she sung the song, much to the agony of the neighbours.
“ I have confidence”. Well she only sang the first line, as it isn’t that far from the house to the car park.

She opened the door and jumped in confidently.
“Shit!” she muttered
She jumped out.
“Glad Luke didn’t see that.”
She was on the wrong side of the car.
She jumped in the other side.

“Whew don’t know what I would’ve done if the steering well hadn’t of been here either.” she thought with relief.

Keys in the ignition.
Gear in Park.
Engines on.
Couldn’t hear a thing.
“Oh, forgot newer car, quieter engine.”

Put it in reverse.
Looked over wrong shoulder.
Looked over other shoulder and went backwards.
The car came too. Success!

To the end of the driveway.
Three meters. So far so good.
Left turn. Like Australian right turn.
Either way Lee and the steering wheel were suppose to be in the middle of the street.
And lift off.

“Have to turn left” she thought.
Put blinker on.
Turn off windscreen wiper.
Try blinker this time.

Drive 200 meters to dairy.
Only passed one parked car.
No casualties.
Pull into drive way.
Stop. get out.
Hoorah! .

Get out of car.
Hold breath.
Try not to smell cow poo and wee.
Eyes watering. Breathe out.
Try to breathe in without smelling the air.
Almost choke in process.
Run to Dairy shop.

Smile at the farmers Mrs.
Say “Guten Tag”
Give smile and try not to breathe.
Give up holding breath before passing out.
Fill up bottles from bucket.
Go back to car.

Jump in car.
Jump out.
Wrong side.
Jump in other side.
Feeling confident.

Engine on.
Thunderbirds are go.
Miss the farmers wife.
Wrong shoulder.

Windscreen wipers on.
Windscreen wipers off.
Blinkers on.
Right turn.

A car approaching.
Don’t panic, don’t panic.
Pull over side of road.

Breathe deep.
Still too close to the dairy.

Blinker on.
Windscreen wiper off.
Blinker on,.
Speed 20km hour until home.
Arrive home safe and with clean windscreen.
Milk intact.
Hop out.
Strut in

“How was it”

“ Breeze”

“ Good onya Mum”

“The car still isn’t insured.”

“I know. I´ll leave the next drive ´till it is.”

Friday, January 30, 2015

My new chum

So one night I had this great idea and I went ."Muv muv are you asleep" and she said whose there and I said good you are awake . I want a pet cat.

And she said no.

And I went and sat on my bed and sulked and gave her my sad face and she still went no.

And then I went "Muuuuaaarv I want a pet, a friend of my own so I have someone to play with"

She said you can play with the chooks"

Are you kidding ? They are vultures.  They pick on me They bite my toes!

Muv says "what about Handsome Frank comes to visit?"

    Well he does make my heart go boomity bang but he doesnt live with us.

I want a mate like Gin and Tonic are mates

Like Mrs and Mrs Ducker are mates until Mrs Ducker lost her head and Mr ducker died and we had to hide him in the bush so he wouldnt get eaten.

I want a cat to play with . We could have staring competitions and it could lick my coat
and we could chase things and have fun.

Then Muv said 'Ok Rosie you can have a cat! But there will have to changes.

 You will have to live outside in a kennel that dad will make out of scrap as you know what he is like


 You will have to sleep in this old mat in the yard

 Because cats  can only sleep inside on sofas or 

Thats MY SOFA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 comfy beds

And My comfy BED!!!!!!!!
And you will have to have plain biscuits and left overs as we have to save the meat for the cat. they can only have the best.

SO I had a big think  and I decided I was selfish wanting a cat and I told Muv to leave it as I didn't want all the extra work for her and Pater and she said are you sure and I said yes and she said we can have turn of one from up the road and I said no no no no no , its best for all of this way.

I could have lost every thing.

So right now I am having staring competitions with flies before I eat them

 and play with the fearsome Gin and Tonic down the beach,

 And wait for Frank to come visiting
And hang
 around all my chums like poodles

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

So the other  day it was very very hot and Muv says we cant walk as your paws will melt
And I said Muv I have to go for a swim or I will melt away and run down the drain and you will neva see me again.

And Muv said I would let that happen . We can cool you down.  No we wont give you a bath but we we can hose you down which is very cooling.

Now Mum has done this before and it is cooling ,

but she thinks its like this

But its really like this I swear.  
So here  is the Duchess's way of managing hooms and their hosing,

 After the hosing has been done walk up and down the path way and drag your side along the nice rendered and painted wall till you leave a big wet stripe then drop.

Then plonk yourself on  the footpath which is slightly muddy and lay there licking yourself and look sad .

Then slowly walk in the back door dripping and give a small shake so it hits the floor and chair.

Then in the lounge room and give a really big shake so mums precious cupboard and the hooman sofa is soaked and the floor is wet.

Continue walking out to the front verandah and shake and shiver as you go.

Finally one big shake on the deck an on your sofa , for me the only sofa I have left after they threw out my uvver one

The say to your hoom when she has finished moppin and emptied the bucket

" gee Muv I want another one tomorrow"

I guarrantee you will be down the beach

Saturday, January 10, 2015

So this is me taking Muv for her walk to the beach and the lagoon

 It is about here I tell her to unleash me, because she is a big girl and can walk on her own...............especially when she has the camerera.

Waiting..................... " Yes Muv they are very cute kookaburras. "

" Yes Muv the baby does make a very cute sound when it is learning to kooka, but we have to get moving."

 Finally ! She doesn't realise how many pee mails I have to check

And we are on the beach, well almost. Seems Fat Lilly has been past and warned of a poodle.

 When on the beach I start getting ready for a hound surf
 But every now and then I get a friend and I don't want a friend because hound surfing is serious and I cant look after a dog.

 And I nicely say  " Off you go and find a labaradoodle or a hoochineez or a bull chihuahua or a shitzhead  or some dog to play with while I am surfing. "

And they usually go because they respect my niceness.

Finally I get to start surfing and

 And sometimes my friend comes back. So I decide it isn't a local dog because locals understand me very clearly.

And I have to make it clearer so I say very calmly and quietly
"  *&*%$!!!!  _)(***&+^%$##$#!!!!)&%###

And they get it  and I now have time to surf.  And I do feel for them. They have probably never seen a hound before and it can be dazzling.

This is me surfing.
 Whilst I was surfing I looked up and this dog was chasing the life saver buggy and his hoom was trying to catch him and he kept running around. What a hoot.

And then I realised I had ANOTHER friend only this was Louie the pug.  Louie's hoom and Muv were talking.  This means ages so the best way to sort out Louie is to sit so he cannot do sniffing. That is all his is interested in as he cant catch me.
 Finally he goes and I get get on with my hound-coat- abrasion treatment to keep my coat shiny .........................

 until this,  this what ever turns up. Once  again I have to growl saying Muv would use it for a buff cloth if it didn't stop jumping in my face and  leave me alone.  And it ran away.

Finally on my own and I saw him.

And Muv saw him and said "Whoo hoo Duchess he is gorgeous  ( she didn't have her clear vision glasses on) But I love Pater more  and no one would ever compare. " Meanwhile this he hoom was running toward us.

And I looked more, because I am a sight hound and Mum is as blind as a bat without her  multi-fowcal-erys glasses. And I was right......................

It was Pater !!!!  Muv yelled out ,"Pater what are you doing?
And he yelled back
" I am reading a book, what do you think I am doing?'  And Muv says to me 'why doesn't he understand what I mean, not what I say?"

Now here is where a Duchess has to think quick on her  feet with analyzation. Pater wasnt chasing a bunny or a cat.  Muv wasnt runnning so he wasnt chasing her. And then I got it. He was running to find me because he missed me.  So this is what a hound has to do to keep their hoomans in good stead.

 You run around him and pounce and woof "Who's a good boy?"

Keep running and say "You're a good boy! Yes you are!"
Make sure he bends his knees to come down to you.

Keep running and woofin saying how  a Duchess loves her Pater.

Then go up and say "Smooge time!"

And let him scratch your head. Its good for his  hands.

And then when you  have had enough you go in the lagoon and say,

 "Ok Pater I have to have my swim now.  I cant play any more.  Off you go and find some friends to play with and run ( why?) with. I will be home soon."

And you watch them run off into the crowd
knowing they are happy.

On the last part of our walk its slow as Muv is a bit puffed and overexcited from seeing Pater run on the beach even though I had to take care of him.  I let her put the leash on me otherwise she would get lost .

And when we get home even though I need a lay down,  I think about how much I  love my family, even though they are a lot of work, but , it is love with work. I find communication is the key. I woof and they know exactly what needs to happen.  Its all quite simple really.